I've always tried so hard to do what I'm supposed to, to be "good," to do what's "right." I also messed up a lot. I've never been the perfect Mormon, but I've never been the worst, either. I'm not proud of that standing. I do always try to make myself better, but I've always tried to make too many different people happy. Even though I constantly fought with my mom, I always tried to make her proud. Even though my oldest sister and I never get along, I used to make sporadic efforts to connect with her. My past boyfriends, whether Mormon or not, have not exactly been the best spiritual influences on me. Some of them, however, still managed to convince me that they were more righteous than I so I should take them at their word when their preaching seemed a bit off. I have always struggled to satisfy all these people while trying to have a good relationship with Heavenly Father and finding some degree of individuality and self-worth.
Very clear from my current situation, I have never succeeded in having any amount of self-esteem. If I had, then I wouldn't have allowed myself to marry someone who treated me the way my husband did. I finally see that the first person I need to satisfy, aside from Heavenly Father, is myself. I see it, but I don't know if I have the strength to believe and apply it. I honestly don't know who I am, what I like, or what I want out of life. Worst of all, I don't even know how to figure those things out.
This post got me thinking yesterday. We're not really sure where we want to go in life, either, so I was like, "Well, if we want to figure that out, we have to actually think about it!" (This is something we've had to consider lately, what with the manga industry being in a bit of trouble.) So I tried... and realized I have little to no attention span for that kind of thing. So then I was thinking about having a hard time thinking about future goal type stuff, and I realized that maybe there's not one big major goal I want with my life, but there are little goals I have, like wanting to go back to Japan and wanting to go on an Adventures by Disney tour and one day finally playing Final Fantasy XIII. So maybe it's not so important to figure out the end goal in life, just so long as you have an idea of what you want to do next. And maybe, as you work on little things, you'll find something you really like.
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