Watching the show tonight, and thinking about things, reminded me of how jealous I sometimes am of obese people. Being fat isn't a good thing, I get that. The reason I'm jealous is very similar to the reason that I used to wish I was injured. I wouldn't want to inflict anything on myself, I just kinda wanted something to happen. I wanted to hurt on the outside, so that people wouldn't be so ignorant about how much I hurt on the inside. Sometimes I find myself wishing I were obese so that I could go on Biggest Loser and have one of the famous heart-to-hearts that people have with Jillian when they look inside themselves and realize why they let themselves get that way.
I've suffered from depression for quite some time, with varying levels of intensity. When I get really depressed, I don't turn to food. I don't turn to drugs or alcohol or sex. My biggest weapon against myself: self-deprecation. I wouldn't exactly say that I hate myself, but there are a lot of things about myself that I hate. That's not really true, either. I really have come a long way since I was first diagnosed with depression, but I had some serious relapses while I was married. I was so miserable, so lost, and had so little control over anything that happened to me that I could literally feel my mind slipping away. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't think clearly, didn't really even have much control over my thoughts. I've never come closer to wanting to make the ultimate irreversible mistake, and I don't plan on ever getting that close again.
I'm much happier with myself and with my situation now that I have control over my life again and have hope for the future, but I still get jealous of fat people sometimes.
omg...I was just thinking this same thing today. I was thinking about how bad my grades are this semester and I started putting myself down, thinking how the depression becomes this evil part of my mind that TRIES to destroy my self-esteem. But, then I realized it's not that I think less of myself, in fact my self-confidence is pretty high (sometimes too much :D) it's that the depression, the negative and obsessive thinking takes over and slowly rots my reality. Guuuuurl, I know how you feel, you are definitely not alone.
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is extremely refreshing. Depression is as real as a slap in the face. I have always had waves of it as a teenager, but for awhile I felt pretty happy and content with my life until I got married and pregnant 3 weeks after. Hormones do funny things to a woman's body. I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster for a year and let's be honest. Sometimes when the low point wave comes you just want to curl up in bed and sleep or listen to music or just veg on the couch and do nothing. But now that I have a little one I have to hold it in and compartmentalize everything. This is soo new for me. I'm used to allowing myself to feel everything as it's happening, not put it up on a shelf and let it build up. Life is strange.
ReplyDeleteSorry for blog stalking. You are a wonderful writer. Keep up with the blog. I should try to get back to being more honest in my posts, but I'm always afraid my in-laws will read them and think I have serious problems or something...