Sunday, November 21, 2010

"Merry Happy"

I've been thinking about the end of my divorce, and the things that will probably follow. Even though I have no intention of rushing into a relationship, I sometimes think that I should at least be aware of single world that I'll be re-entering and the fact that I'll need to get re-married at some point if I'm going to be a good Mormon. So I've been thinking about the way my standards for potential significant others have been drastically raised and the things I need to do to make sure that I don't put myself in another bad situation. That leads me to think about what I would need to do to attract a person who will meet these new, higher standards. This, in turn, leads me to notice all my weaknesses and insecurities. In order to attract a faithful member of the Church, I need to be a faithful member of the Church. In order to attract someone who is well-put together and has goals, I need to be well-put together and have goals. The list goes on. There are some things I feel like I'm already doing pretty well, and other things I'm not so sure about. Then there are other things. A lot of sane people wouldn't put all their thoughts and feelings on the Internet for anyone and everyone to see. Should I delete this blog or should I assume that people afraid of my self-exposure aren't strong enough to be a part of my life?
Several more questions follow, but they all lead to this one: What's the point? Why would I want to attract anyone? I'm feeling much better about myself now than I ever have when I've had a significant other.Sure, that could only be because I have no skill when it comes to choosing men, but why would I want to take the chance of making another poor choice? I'm good with me. Maybe someone will come along, but I don't need the stress of trying to find them.

"Merry Happy" by Kate Nash came on while I was writing this entry. Some lyrics:

I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Monday, November 8, 2010

Being Alone

The final legal days of my marriage are slowly approaching, and fear is starting to set in. I've never liked being alone. When I was growing up, even during high school, I couldn't stand even being in a room by myself. I always needed someone to be there. It didn't have to be anyone in particular, and they didn't need to do anything special. I just needed to have someone near me.
Well, I've grown a bit, and I'm quite a bit more independent. I do just about everything by myself. In fact, I sometimes prefer to have no one around me. However, I'm suffering from the same feelings that convinced me to get married to the wrong person, mostly the fear of being alone. I was convinced, back then, that no one would ever want me. It didn't help that my husband was constantly reminding me of what a disappointment I turned out to be.
As I keep saying, it's taken me a long time to get divorced. Now I almost don't want the process to end. I've been able to tell myself for the last eleven months that the reason I'm lonely is because I'm still technically married, and no one should really be getting too close. I don't just mean with guys. Both married and single women seem afraid to be my friend. When all this is over, I won't have that excuse anymore. All my old insecurities are already coming back.
I don't want anyone to do anything special, or go to any lengths for me. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I just need to have someone near me.