Monday, July 12, 2010

Spiritual Healing

While I was with my husband, I was being directly and indirectly pushed away from the church. As I have many weaknesses and have never been as strong in the church as I should have been, it wasn't always hard to get me to miss church or let my scriptures collect dust. While there were some things that I tried to hold on to, even many of those started being left behind.
When my marriage blew up in my face, the easy choice was to leave the church. I had already stopped doing so many things that the church would have me do, why not stop everything altogether? I felt like I needed to take a break from life, so I went down to the LA area to see some old friends. They all told me that this was an important part of my life that I am learning from, so, of course, I should get a tattoo to symbolize the changes I was making and to remind me to never go back. I have to admit that despite my belief that my body is a temple to be cared for, I was tempted. Don't worry, mom. No ink here.
The only people in Fresno who I felt comfortable talking to about the things that need to be said were my family and my church leaders. I think Heavenly Father arranged it that way. Because I had such strong spiritual support, I gradually started finding the strength to walk away from the easy choices and to make the hard ones. I started re-building a relationship with the Lord. I feel His love often, and it's a lot better than anything my husband ever gave me. Sometimes I even feel that having a close relationship with my Heavenly Father may be curing my depression.
Making difficult choices, doing what I know is right, is what is giving me the strength to get through the trials that I've been facing. I honestly don't know how anyone survives as long as they do without the Gospel.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Musical Interpretation

I've been re-discovering how therapeutic singing is for me. My husband didn't like my voice, so I had cut down a lot on how much singing I did, first just around him, then ever. So, I'm kind of getting back into it, though I don't do it in front of people as much as I used to. Lyrics mean a lot to me, and I found some songs that kind of reflect my feelings. Yes, almost all of them are by Taylor Swift. You can blame my obsession with her or the fact that she just has a million break up songs.

This one kind of reflects our relationship before the marriage unofficially ended. I don't think there's an official video for this one, but someone apparently put this together.

This is how I felt immediately after the marriage unofficially ended and for a very long time afterward. In fact, I often go back to it.

This is how I feel about his reaction to the divorce and everything else. I don't really understand the video, but the lyrics are what's important.

This is what I want when I'm feeling mean.

This is how I feel on good days. Again, no official video.