The dating pool is small where I live, especially for a divorced LDS woman. For a while, I told myself that now just wasn't the time that God wanted me to be in a relationship, so I tried to focus on other things. I was involved in my work, I strengthened my relationship with Heavenly Father, and I tried to make my workout schedule more regular to improve my physical and mental health.
A few weeks ago, I felt like I was in a really good place, and I was strong enough to try to make something happen in the relationship department. Unfortunately, like I said, not many prospects in my area. I felt like I needed to do something to show the Lord that I was making an effort, so I joined an LDS dating website. I felt kind of like a loser for it, but it seemed like the best option at the time.
A few days ago I started talking to a guy who was also divorced. We shared our stories and some insights, we talked about our likes and dislikes. We had a lot in common, and everything was going really well. I didn't put very many pictures on the website, so I didn't really mind when he asked me to send him more. Before I went to my Institute class today, we talked on Skype so we could actually see each other while we talked. It was fun. When I got back from Institute, however, we were chatting in an instant message when he started acting weird. When I called him out on it, he said that he just didn't know if he would be attracted to me in person. I told him that I was just trying to get to know him and we could worry about what meeting in person would be like later. He said that if he's not attracted to me right away, he never will be. Some other things were said, but it led to me pointing out that I need to make sure the next person I'm with actually respects me, and that he doesn't seem to fit that criteria. He told me that I don't fit his physical criteria, so we should probably just move on. Then the conversation ended.
Now, I get that this guy is a shallow scumbag. Of all the issues I have with my self-esteem, I've actually managed to get over many of the physical ones. But after that experience, I couldn't help but fall into old feelings of not being good enough. I felt almost as worthless as I did during my divorce. I sent text messages to a few friends, but the only single people I know these days are young and definitely don't understand the pain of divorce. None of them seemed too concerned.
Sometimes I really hate the way things have worked out for me. I know I have a lot of wonderful things and I've accomplished a lot, but sometimes I wish I could trade it all in so I can be "normal" and have a healthy relationship and raise children.
That's not fair though. I know I need to appreciate what I have. I know it will all work together for my greater good. I want to say that I know I'm special and wonderful, but...I struggle. Sometimes it's just hard to see the bigger picture.