Now that I've had a lot of time away from my husband, I've been able to gain a different perspective on things. I've been able to allow myself to have my own thoughts and personality instead of feeling guilty for even thinking something that my husband wouldn't like. Here's my conclusion: I like who I am.
I can be awkward and a little socially inept. I say stupid things and make lots of mistakes. However, I'm pretty light-hearted and I can have fun just about anywhere. I'm not the prettiest girl in any room, but I'm not the ugliest either. I can fall on my face, laugh, get up, and make a joke about myself without even thinking about it. My life experience also makes me sympathetic. I can understand the pain of others. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I always know the right thing to say to them. I have a unique love for people who hurt, and there's nothing better than seeing them smile.
So I like who I am. On the other hand, I'm not particularly fond of what I am. I'm a woman who made a lot of mistakes. I still have 8 months left of school, which I could've finished 3 years ago if I had stayed on track. I didn't even get behind because of doing something really cool and worthwhile, except the one semester I spent in China. I wasted a year and a half with the wrong man, and another year trying to fix that mistake. So what am I? I'm a young, divorced woman who can't even support herself. It sucks.
I understand that all those bad choices add to the things that make me strong and sympathetic and whatnot. And I know that, some day, none of it will really matter. I also know that, right now, it makes life pretty hard.
Monday, October 25, 2010
This post is going to be about a couple things, so hopefully my ramblings don't get too confusing.
First off, I've been going for walks. I do this because it's pretty much the least daunting form of exercise. According to my (non)extensive research, walking burns just as much calories as running as long as you go the same distance. Running just takes less time. Anyway, since I have plenty of time and walking isn't such an exhausting endeavor, I've been going for walks. Long walks. And none of that really has a lot to do with the anecdote that I was trying to lead up to...
Well, I was on a walk, and I saw a bright light up in the sky. I knew perfectly well that it was a plane, but all I could see were the lights. My imagination took hold and I thought, "What if it were a new star, like the one before Jesus' birth? What if His second coming was right now?" I knew I was being silly, but I still felt something nice and thought, "That would be really cool."
It's not much of a story, but I like that I was happy about the idea of Jesus returning. It didn't make me think about hiding or rushing to repent, but about the great things that would happen. I think that means I'm in a good place. Of course everyone can use improvement, and I'm no exception, but I think I'm on the right track.
The other thing that I would like to report is that I took another stab at going to a semi-church related function and being social. This time it was a decent-sized group from the YSA ward getting together for dinner. I talked to the few people that I actually kind of know about my situation, but realized that it's much easier to ignore my marital status with singles than with couples. By no means did I try to convince anyone that I'm on the market. Two more months before that's the case. But I actually stopped worrying for a while and had a really good time. I don't regret waiting to go out and be social. I probably wouldn't have been ready before. However, I'm very excited to have reached a place where I can go out and be comfortable with who I am again.
Yay for moving on and getting out into the world!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
So, I came across this verse in my scripture reading a while ago, and I can't come up with a meaning for it that I'm comfortable with. I don't usually get a lot of comments on here, but I would appreciate them now.
How should I interpret this?( http://scriptures.lds.org/en/3_ne/12/31-32#31 )
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sometimes it seems to me that there are some people who are of the opinion that I'm overly obsessive about my divorce. "Why do you think about him so much?" they ask. Or they'll try to advise me; "I know it's hard, but you just need to stop thinking about it and move on." They bring up that he's not worth my thoughts and that it's been a while since I've actually been with him, anyway.
Here's the problem that I incorrectly assumed at least my fellow Latter-day Saints would understand: This isn't a petty, high school, puppy love break-up. When I got married, I meant it. I wanted, expected, and planned on having an eternal companionship with the man across from me at that altar. It wasn't some experiment that I knew I could end with divorce if it failed. What happened thereafter wasn't some stupid argument that built up to where we couldn't look at each other anymore. Every single day was a struggle for me. I tried HARD to make him happy, even after realizing that my efforts would result in mental and physical anguish on my behalf. I invested every bit of myself into that relationship, because I wanted to be true to my temple covenants. I finally left when it became clear that there was no other feasible option. It still wasn't easy to walk away. It's true that he did things that prove that there is no logical reason for me to waste any time or thoughts on him, but I had planned on him being my eternal companion. That's not something I can just "get over."
There is also the fact that my divorce has been so drawn out. What is required to be at least a six month process in the state of California will have taken twelve months for me by the time it's done. This is especially painful to acknowledge when I had only been with my husband for fourteen months before we became legally separated. However, I'm still legally married for another ten weeks. Because of this, I feel some intangible restraint that prevents me from having permission, or even the ability, to move on.
There are also less poignant reasons for it seeming that the only thing I talk about is my divorce. Like the fact that most of my other thoughts just aren't very interesting, so I keep them to myself. I don't expect anyone to find my thoughts on my divorce particularly interesting either, but, again, I mostly talk it out for my own sake. It's time for me to let myself do things for myself.
Monday, October 4, 2010
My second court hearing wasn't nearly as eventful as the first. My husband's father was the only one who accompanied him to the courthouse. My lawyer, my husband, and I all came to an agreement before we were ever called before the judge. As part of that agreement, we were going to put an end to any further court proceedings and terminate marital status. Well, kind of. It turns out that you can really only terminate marital status if it has been at least six months and one day since the day the divorce papers were served. Because it took me six months to even get that far, there was still three months to go on that timeline. I had been misinformed.
Anyway, we still went through all the stuff to terminate marital status. I would love to explain why this made any sense at all, but I'm really not sure. As part of the process of terminating status, the judge asked both my husband and me some questions. Do we understand this? Is this other thing clear? One of the questions we each had to answer was regarding our feelings toward the marriage. Did we feel that no amount of time or counseling could save our marriage?
The answer was clear to me. Even though part of me thinks it's not right to give up on something so important, I knew that nothing would fix what had been done. Even if my husband really had changed, I would never be able to trust him, and I would be waiting in silent fear for the day that he returned to his old ways. So here's my question for the cosmos (or anyone who feels like giving their thoughts): Why did it hurt so much for him to answer yes? I knew our marriage was beyond repair. Why did I care that he knew it, too? My heart sank and it was like I was being betrayed again. Maybe it was because he had said he wished things were different. Maybe it was because I wish I could watch him beg for me as I walk away.
Whatever it was, it's over now. Well, kind of. The count down is at 79 days.