The Other Hearing

My second court hearing wasn't nearly as eventful as the first. My husband's father was the only one who accompanied him to the courthouse. My lawyer, my husband, and I all came to an agreement before we were ever called before the judge. As part of that agreement, we were going to put an end to any further court proceedings and terminate marital status. Well, kind of. It turns out that you can really only terminate marital status if it has been at least six months and one day since the day the divorce papers were served. Because it took me six months to even get that far, there was still three months to go on that timeline. I had been misinformed.

Anyway, we still went through all the stuff to terminate marital status. I would love to explain why this made any sense at all, but I'm really not sure. As part of the process of terminating status, the judge asked both my husband and me some questions. Do we understand this? Is this other thing clear? One of the questions we each had to answer was regarding our feelings toward the marriage. Did we feel that no amount of time or counseling could save our marriage?

The answer was clear to me. Even though part of me thinks it's not right to give up on something so important, I knew that nothing would fix what had been done. Even if my husband really had changed, I would never be able to trust him, and I would be waiting in silent fear for the day that he returned to his old ways. So here's my question for the cosmos (or anyone who feels like giving their thoughts): Why did it hurt so much for him to answer yes? I knew our marriage was beyond repair. Why did I care that he knew it, too? My heart sank and it was like I was being betrayed again. Maybe it was because he had said he wished things were different. Maybe it was because I wish I could watch him beg for me as I walk away.

Whatever it was, it's over now. Well, kind of. The count down is at 79 days.