Here's the problem that I incorrectly assumed at least my fellow Latter-day Saints would understand: This isn't a petty, high school, puppy love break-up. When I got married, I meant it. I wanted, expected, and planned on having an eternal companionship with the man across from me at that altar. It wasn't some experiment that I knew I could end with divorce if it failed. What happened thereafter wasn't some stupid argument that built up to where we couldn't look at each other anymore. Every single day was a struggle for me. I tried HARD to make him happy, even after realizing that my efforts would result in mental and physical anguish on my behalf. I invested every bit of myself into that relationship, because I wanted to be true to my temple covenants. I finally left when it became clear that there was no other feasible option. It still wasn't easy to walk away. It's true that he did things that prove that there is no logical reason for me to waste any time or thoughts on him, but I had planned on him being my eternal companion. That's not something I can just "get over."
There is also the fact that my divorce has been so drawn out. What is required to be at least a six month process in the state of California will have taken twelve months for me by the time it's done. This is especially painful to acknowledge when I had only been with my husband for fourteen months before we became legally separated. However, I'm still legally married for another ten weeks. Because of this, I feel some intangible restraint that prevents me from having permission, or even the ability, to move on.
There are also less poignant reasons for it seeming that the only thing I talk about is my divorce. Like the fact that most of my other thoughts just aren't very interesting, so I keep them to myself. I don't expect anyone to find my thoughts on my divorce particularly interesting either, but, again, I mostly talk it out for my own sake. It's time for me to let myself do things for myself.
I can't believe there are people that tell you to stop thinking about it and move on! That is the opposite of sympathy. telling someone to move on is not going to make them move on, let only bring them any comfort. Would you tell a mother that's lost her child to stop crying and get over it? No, you wouldn't! This is a serious and life-changing thing that has happened in your life. You need time to mourn & heal over what has happened and you need to do it at your pace. Besides, one can never really learn without serious reflection and I think that it's wonderful that you are taking time to reflect on your thoughts at this time so you can try and gain a better perspective about yourself and the situation as a whole. You are doing great and I hope you feel my love from afar!
ReplyDeleteAnd please forgive me for my million grammatical and typing errors, I promise I'm smarter than that. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou are handling your experience in a perfectly healthy way! I was talking with my dad yesterday about his divorce, and he made the comment that in order to move on and put everything behind you, you have to have a period of grieving. How long that grieving takes depends on the individual, not the world. If you were to just 'move on' when the world dictates, feelings would be shoved down and stored to come up and put problems in future relationships, be they friends or more. You are perfectly right in how you are handling this.
ReplyDeleteSomething I've wanted to say for awhile: You are an amazing woman of God! To have tried everything you could to save your marriage shows the commitment to your promises made in the temple. That is not something many LDS women can claim that they would (or did) do in this situation.
To those that don't understand where you are coming from, maybe they should do sealings with their spouse and reflect.
You are truly amazing in how you are coping.