Every now and then, I find it difficult not to think about the things my ex did to me. It's hard not to think about the physical and emotional torment I endured. And, even though I know this isn't logical, I now have a tendency to assume that all men are like him when no one is watching.
Usually when something is bothering me, I talk it out. I find someone dumb enough to let me start talking, and I keep talking until they can't stand the sound of my voice. Somehow, it helps me sort things out. Unfortunately, it's a little harder to get someone to even begin to listen when the subject is so uncomfortable. No one likes to hear about a woman getting abused by her husband. It isn't fun to hear about. I can't say I blame them. It would have made me uncomfortable before I had been the victim.
I think this is one of the reasons things like this continue to happen. Because people are too uncomfortable to talk about them. It took me a while to post on this blog that I had been abused, because I was afraid of what people might think. Smart women don't get abused...right?
The truth is that the abuse was so bad, I was relieved when I found out he was cheating. I was too far under his control to think that anyone would believe how much pain he caused me, so I was hoping people would understand adultery as a valid reason to leave my husband. Mormon or not.
Abuse is not pleasant to talk about. It's not easy to talk about. But it's something we NEED to talk about.
I find that a lot of people compartmentalize things so that when someone comes to them needing to talk about something serious, they don't know how to respond to it. My husband kind of compartmentalizes things so when someone talks to him about something personal, he tries to be light-hearted and get the person to smile. I am also someone that needs to talk about feelings with someone I trust. Even before you found out your husband cheated on you, you had a valid reason to leave him. And it may take some time and prayer, but your fear that all men are the same will hopefully subside. The silver lining of this whole experience is that now you know what signs to look for before you get seriously involved with someone.
ReplyDeleteOh and I also wanted to say, I know how you feel about your Dad situation. I've only seen my dad a number of times that I can count on both hands. I am glad you have had the support of your mom during this rough time. Hang in there girl!