This blog lets me see some pretty cool stuff. It tells me how many times my blog has been looked at and where in the world it has been seen from. It tells me which entries have been viewed the most and lists all the comments anyone has made. While it makes me feel kind of cool to see that there are people in other countries that are reading what I write, what is really interesting is seeing how they find me.
Another thing the blog shows me is the words that people have typed into search engines that led them here. Sometimes it's clear that someone already knows about my blog and just forgot the web address. They'll search for "divorced Mormon blog" or "taboo diary." However, sometimes it's clear that there are people out there searching for something more than just my whining. They want something deeper. They want answers to their own questions. I've seen things like "Why do Mormons divorce?", "divorced Mormon women", and others that are escaping my memory. Back when I was updating my blog regularly during my divorce, I had received a comment thanking me for writing about my feelings. This woman is also LDS and had also experienced the tragedy of a divorce. She said that, when she was going through it, she was searching for something like my blog.
Today I saw that someone had typed into Google, "just scared of being alone and being Mormon." This struck me very hard. That exact fear almost held me back from leaving my abusive husband. I don't know if I have any of the answers anyone is looking for. I don't know if I can help at all. But if you look back at my previous posts, you'll see that I am very candid and honest about my feelings, so you can trust that what you read next is sincere.
Being single is hard. It's especially hard when you are LDS and have been taught your whole life that your whole purpose for existing is to have a family. When you can't serve that purpose, it feels like you're broken, defected. But being single does not mean that you're alone. Heavenly Father will not allow you to be completely alone if you stay true to your faith. I know that sounds preachy and maybe fake, but during the darkest times of my divorce it felt like He was the only one who would listen to me cry. People at church might judge you and there will be days where the happiness of others just intensifies the emptiness in your heart that's meant to be filled by a family, but Heavenly Father will take care of you. It will be okay.
Just tonight, I had a friend get very serious with me. He told me how amazing I am. He said that I'm pretty and smart and funny, and he apologized that my previous husband was such a jerk. He told me that I would really make an amazing wife and that my ex is really missing out. I've come a long way since my divorce, but I still have trouble accepting anything that my friend said. How can I be so great if I can't manage to have my own family?
I judge myself in this manner quite frequently, but I know the truth is that there's a different plan for me right now. All any of us can do is our best. If we do that, we will find happiness in one form or another.