I've been wanting to write down some feelings for a while, and I briefly contemplated doing so elsewhere because my life is vastly different from how it was even during my last post. Since then, I have met an amazing man who is extremely understanding about the things I've been through. I've been very honest with him, he's been very patient with me, and we are now happily married. However, even with a different life, I will always bee a divorced Mormon woman. It will always be a part of me, and it may be just as helpful to talk about life beyond that as to openly discuss the pain of it.
So anyway, about those feelings...
When I got divorced, I was so incredibly lonely that sometimes I actually wished that I had had a child while I was with him. I figured that, even being divorced, I would be able to have the kid most of the time and I would have someone to love. Truthfully, with the craziness that runs rampant in my ex's family, they probably would have tried to rip the kid away from me or accuse me of having the child with another man and make my life miserable through that route. But in my fantasy land, having a baby would mean having someone to love and take care of and fill that gaping void of loneliness. As perfect as it was in my head, I'm incredibly grateful that I don't have that forever connection to my ex and his family.
Now I'm six months pregnant with my current husband's child, and I can't wait for the little one to get here. I know that the appreciation and love I already have for him is so much greater than it would have been if I hadn't spent so much time longing for someone to care for. I can't wait to hold him and smell him and tell him how long I've been waiting for him to come into my life.
I'll admit, I'm terrible at being pregnant. I'm tired all the time and just want to whine and complain about every single ache and pain. I try not to be too much of a burden to my husband, but, fortunately, he's amazing and helps me so much. As uncomfortable and achy as I am, I would choose to go through this a million times over being alone again and dealing with the pain of not knowing whether he would ever come. I'm not happy about all the things that I've been through, but I'm grateful for what they have taught me. I have so much more love for my husband and developing child than I think I possibly could have otherwise.