I've been thinking about the end of my divorce, and the things that will probably follow. Even though I have no intention of rushing into a relationship, I sometimes think that I should at least be aware of single world that I'll be re-entering and the fact that I'll need to get re-married at some point if I'm going to be a good Mormon. So I've been thinking about the way my standards for potential significant others have been drastically raised and the things I need to do to make sure that I don't put myself in another bad situation. That leads me to think about what I would need to do to attract a person who will meet these new, higher standards. This, in turn, leads me to notice all my weaknesses and insecurities. In order to attract a faithful member of the Church, I need to be a faithful member of the Church. In order to attract someone who is well-put together and has goals, I need to be well-put together and have goals. The list goes on. There are some things I feel like I'm already doing pretty well, and other things I'm not so sure about. Then there are other things. A lot of sane people wouldn't put all their thoughts and feelings on the Internet for anyone and everyone to see. Should I delete this blog or should I assume that people afraid of my self-exposure aren't strong enough to be a part of my life?
Several more questions follow, but they all lead to this one: What's the point? Why would I want to attract anyone? I'm feeling much better about myself now than I ever have when I've had a significant other.Sure, that could only be because I have no skill when it comes to choosing men, but why would I want to take the chance of making another poor choice? I'm good with me. Maybe someone will come along, but I don't need the stress of trying to find them.
"Merry Happy" by Kate Nash came on while I was writing this entry. Some lyrics:
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
I don't blame you for wanting to be alone right now. I think it's great that you are feeling better being single at this point. Being happy single WILL attract happy men. And when I say happy, I mean truly happy and happy because they are doing what's right. You WILL find someone who will bring you up to an even higher level than you find yourself now. It may be hard to believe given your circumstances, but that day will come. And here's the silver lining: because you had an unpleasant first marriage, it will help you appreciate your second spouse more. Keep on being the beautiful person you are and someone will see and admire that. :)
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