A Hard Lesson to Learn

It's been a while since I wrote anything. It's been a while since I've even looked at this thing. I've been seriously considering deleting it.
Since my last post, I've been through a lot of extreme emotions. Most of them were less than pleasant. I've also had times of total apathy. There were just so many things going on that it made the most sense to just stop caring. I don't remember if the apathy was before or after the extreme anger toward the Church. Maybe before AND after. The Church didn't do anything wrong. Nor did anyone in it. However, it would be nice if at least my Visiting Teachers would call once in a while. I guess I just needed something to blame. Through quite a bit of effort, I managed to get over the anger and apathy. I eventually remembered all the reasons that I have worth and need to be obedient to the Gospel.
Then I got the bad news. My divorce was scheduled to be final on December 22. That was assuming that my lawyer had filed the judgement from the last court date, which I was under the impression she did about two months ago. She didn't. I can't get a hold of her, and even after the judgement finally gets filed, it will be another 6-8 weeks before the divorce is final. I just about lost it. I wanted to give up. On everything.
Luckily, I had re-discovered my worth before getting this news. I'm pretty sure that's the reason it only took me a day to accept this turn of events. It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world. By the time my divorce is final, it will have been as long, or longer, than my marriage was. This is hard to swallow, but I guess that's what Heavenly Father knows it's going to take to teach me patience.

"Merry Happy"

I've been thinking about the end of my divorce, and the things that will probably follow. Even though I have no intention of rushing into a relationship, I sometimes think that I should at least be aware of single world that I'll be re-entering and the fact that I'll need to get re-married at some point if I'm going to be a good Mormon. So I've been thinking about the way my standards for potential significant others have been drastically raised and the things I need to do to make sure that I don't put myself in another bad situation. That leads me to think about what I would need to do to attract a person who will meet these new, higher standards. This, in turn, leads me to notice all my weaknesses and insecurities. In order to attract a faithful member of the Church, I need to be a faithful member of the Church. In order to attract someone who is well-put together and has goals, I need to be well-put together and have goals. The list goes on. There are some things I feel like I'm already doing pretty well, and other things I'm not so sure about. Then there are other things. A lot of sane people wouldn't put all their thoughts and feelings on the Internet for anyone and everyone to see. Should I delete this blog or should I assume that people afraid of my self-exposure aren't strong enough to be a part of my life?
Several more questions follow, but they all lead to this one: What's the point? Why would I want to attract anyone? I'm feeling much better about myself now than I ever have when I've had a significant other.Sure, that could only be because I have no skill when it comes to choosing men, but why would I want to take the chance of making another poor choice? I'm good with me. Maybe someone will come along, but I don't need the stress of trying to find them.

"Merry Happy" by Kate Nash came on while I was writing this entry. Some lyrics:

I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Being Alone

The final legal days of my marriage are slowly approaching, and fear is starting to set in. I've never liked being alone. When I was growing up, even during high school, I couldn't stand even being in a room by myself. I always needed someone to be there. It didn't have to be anyone in particular, and they didn't need to do anything special. I just needed to have someone near me.
Well, I've grown a bit, and I'm quite a bit more independent. I do just about everything by myself. In fact, I sometimes prefer to have no one around me. However, I'm suffering from the same feelings that convinced me to get married to the wrong person, mostly the fear of being alone. I was convinced, back then, that no one would ever want me. It didn't help that my husband was constantly reminding me of what a disappointment I turned out to be.
As I keep saying, it's taken me a long time to get divorced. Now I almost don't want the process to end. I've been able to tell myself for the last eleven months that the reason I'm lonely is because I'm still technically married, and no one should really be getting too close. I don't just mean with guys. Both married and single women seem afraid to be my friend. When all this is over, I won't have that excuse anymore. All my old insecurities are already coming back.
I don't want anyone to do anything special, or go to any lengths for me. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I just need to have someone near me.

Who v. What

Now that I've had a lot of time away from my husband, I've been able to gain a different perspective on things. I've been able to allow myself to have my own thoughts and personality instead of feeling guilty for even thinking something that my husband wouldn't like. Here's my conclusion: I like who I am.
I can be awkward and a little socially inept. I say stupid things and make lots of mistakes. However, I'm pretty light-hearted and I can have fun just about anywhere. I'm not the prettiest girl in any room, but I'm not the ugliest either. I can fall on my face, laugh, get up, and make a joke about myself without even thinking about it. My life experience also makes me sympathetic. I can understand the pain of others. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I always know the right thing to say to them. I have a unique love for people who hurt, and there's nothing better than seeing them smile.
So I like who I am. On the other hand, I'm not particularly fond of what I am. I'm a woman who made a lot of mistakes. I still have 8 months left of school, which I could've finished 3 years ago if I had stayed on track. I didn't even get behind because of doing something really cool and worthwhile, except the one semester I spent in China. I wasted a year and a half with the wrong man, and another year trying to fix that mistake. So what am I? I'm a young, divorced woman who can't even support herself. It sucks.
I understand that all those bad choices add to the things that make me strong and sympathetic and whatnot. And I know that, some day, none of it will really matter. I also know that, right now, it makes life pretty hard.

Good News

This post is going to be about a couple things, so hopefully my ramblings don't get too confusing.

First off, I've been going for walks. I do this because it's pretty much the least daunting form of exercise. According to my (non)extensive research, walking burns just as much calories as running as long as you go the same distance. Running just takes less time. Anyway, since I have plenty of time and walking isn't such an exhausting endeavor, I've been going for walks. Long walks. And none of that really has a lot to do with the anecdote that I was trying to lead up to...

Well, I was on a walk, and I saw a bright light up in the sky. I knew perfectly well that it was a plane, but all I could see were the lights. My imagination took hold and I thought, "What if it were a new star, like the one before Jesus' birth? What if His second coming was right now?" I knew I was being silly, but I still felt something nice and thought, "That would be really cool."

It's not much of a story, but I like that I was happy about the idea of Jesus returning. It didn't make me think about hiding or rushing to repent, but about the great things that would happen. I think that means I'm in a good place. Of course everyone can use improvement, and I'm no exception, but I think I'm on the right track.

The other thing that I would like to report is that I took another stab at going to a semi-church related function and being social. This time it was a decent-sized group from the YSA ward getting together for dinner. I talked to the few people that I actually kind of know about my situation, but realized that it's much easier to ignore my marital status with singles than with couples. By no means did I try to convince anyone that I'm on the market. Two more months before that's the case. But I actually stopped worrying for a while and had a really good time. I don't regret waiting to go out and be social. I probably wouldn't have been ready before. However, I'm very excited to have reached a place where I can go out and be comfortable with who I am again.

Yay for moving on and getting out into the world!

Scripture Question

So, I came across this verse in my scripture reading a while ago, and I can't come up with a meaning for it that I'm comfortable with. I don't usually get a lot of comments on here, but I would appreciate them now.

How should I interpret this?( http://scriptures.lds.org/en/3_ne/12/31-32#31 )

Getting Over It

Sometimes it seems to me that there are some people who are of the opinion that I'm overly obsessive about my divorce. "Why do you think about him so much?" they ask. Or they'll try to advise me; "I know it's hard, but you just need to stop thinking about it and move on." They bring up that he's not worth my thoughts and that it's been a while since I've actually been with him, anyway.

Here's the problem that I incorrectly assumed at least my fellow Latter-day Saints would understand: This isn't a petty, high school, puppy love break-up. When I got married, I meant it. I wanted, expected, and planned on having an eternal companionship with the man across from me at that altar. It wasn't some experiment that I knew I could end with divorce if it failed. What happened thereafter wasn't some stupid argument that built up to where we couldn't look at each other anymore. Every single day was a struggle for me. I tried HARD to make him happy, even after realizing that my efforts would result in mental and physical anguish on my behalf. I invested every bit of myself into that relationship, because I wanted to be true to my temple covenants. I finally left when it became clear that there was no other feasible option. It still wasn't easy to walk away. It's true that he did things that prove that there is no logical reason for me to waste any time or thoughts on him, but I had planned on him being my eternal companion. That's not something I can just "get over."

There is also the fact that my divorce has been so drawn out. What is required to be at least a six month process in the state of California will have taken twelve months for me by the time it's done. This is especially painful to acknowledge when I had only been with my husband for fourteen months before we became legally separated. However, I'm still legally married for another ten weeks. Because of this, I feel some intangible restraint that prevents me from having permission, or even the ability, to move on.

There are also less poignant reasons for it seeming that the only thing I talk about is my divorce. Like the fact that most of my other thoughts just aren't very interesting, so I keep them to myself. I don't expect anyone to find my thoughts on my divorce particularly interesting either, but, again, I mostly talk it out for my own sake. It's time for me to let myself do things for myself.

The Other Hearing

My second court hearing wasn't nearly as eventful as the first. My husband's father was the only one who accompanied him to the courthouse. My lawyer, my husband, and I all came to an agreement before we were ever called before the judge. As part of that agreement, we were going to put an end to any further court proceedings and terminate marital status. Well, kind of. It turns out that you can really only terminate marital status if it has been at least six months and one day since the day the divorce papers were served. Because it took me six months to even get that far, there was still three months to go on that timeline. I had been misinformed.

Anyway, we still went through all the stuff to terminate marital status. I would love to explain why this made any sense at all, but I'm really not sure. As part of the process of terminating status, the judge asked both my husband and me some questions. Do we understand this? Is this other thing clear? One of the questions we each had to answer was regarding our feelings toward the marriage. Did we feel that no amount of time or counseling could save our marriage?

The answer was clear to me. Even though part of me thinks it's not right to give up on something so important, I knew that nothing would fix what had been done. Even if my husband really had changed, I would never be able to trust him, and I would be waiting in silent fear for the day that he returned to his old ways. So here's my question for the cosmos (or anyone who feels like giving their thoughts): Why did it hurt so much for him to answer yes? I knew our marriage was beyond repair. Why did I care that he knew it, too? My heart sank and it was like I was being betrayed again. Maybe it was because he had said he wished things were different. Maybe it was because I wish I could watch him beg for me as I walk away.

Whatever it was, it's over now. Well, kind of. The count down is at 79 days.

Can't Touch This

For the majority of the time I've been trying to get divorced, I haven't had a whole lot of social interaction. Sure, I was in school for the first few months of it, but I was super depressed and hardly talked to anyone in any of my classes. Then summer came and the only time I got out of the house was to work at a pre-school. The only people I talked to were four-year-olds and catty women.

When I went back to school to work on getting my teaching credential about a month and a half ago, I had pretty much gotten over most of the depression and I was just fed up with the complications of the divorce process. Over the last month and a half, I have been looked at, talked to, and even hit on by more guys than I think I ever have before. I'm pretty positive that this is directly related to the fact that I'm technically single, which means there's no one to get upset if they do some flirting, but also technically married and, therefore, am free of the pressure of the possibility of a relationship. Simply put, guys want me because they can't have me.

I don't mean to sound conceited because I'm talking about guys wanting me. I know it's not me they want. It's the fun, flirty, risk-free interaction. To be honest, I don't mind. It's fun for me, too. It gives me the illusion of being wanted without having to deal with the fear that I'll get myself into another terrible relationship. I don't know how much, or even if, I'm interested in most of these guys. The great thing is; it doesn't matter. Once my divorce is finally over, I'll be available, which will completely take away my appeal. All my "suitors" will vanish.

My First Court Hearing

So, I've had a request to say more about my actual divorce process. I have decided to comply. Although I have had two court hearings, the first one was much more eventful. I might talk about the other one later, but not now.

The first hearing was very interesting. I arrived at the courthouse, located the department where my hearing would be, and found my husband already waiting with his father. And his mother. And his aunt. As we were waiting in the hallway for the department doors to open, one of his cousins showed up. When we were let into the department, another aunt joined them, followed by another cousin. The second aunt ended up waiting in the hall the whole time because she had brought yet another of my husband's cousins who is only 15 and, because he is under 17, is not allowed to enter the actual courtroom. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't by myself. I brought my step-dad along because I know how my husband is and I expected his dad to be there. I felt it necessary to bring someone other than my lawyer to make sure that I wasn't followed to my car by statements of what a horrible person I am and how the divorce is all my fault. I just didn't expect this to be a whole family affair for him.

After the judge called our case, my lawyer and I sat on one end of the counsel table while my husband and his father sat on the other side. Did you read that right? Yes, my husband's father sat next to him at the counsel table as if he were his lawyer. When asked who he was, he said that he had been asked to represent my husband "pro per."When asked what in the world that meant, he acted like he couldn't hear until the question was repeated three or four times. Then he finally said, without repeating the term, that he was asked by my husband to help him out. He was told to sit down in the benches for those observing or awaiting their own hearing and to stop making an idiot out of himself. I might have added that last part.

The judge listened to my lawyer and to my husband and wanted us to negotiate with each other and reach an agreement without her help. We went outside to discuss. His family followed. They all waited on the other side of the hall...for the most part. Here's what happened (I was going to use color coding again, but it's not working for some reason):

Lawyer: If you don't mind, I'm going to sit down. I have a bad back and it's really hurting.

Idiot Husband: Please. Yes. Sit down. No problem.

L: Have a seat.

IH: Oh, I'd rather stand.

L: Well, I can't stand. I have a really bad back.

IH: Of course. Sit down.

L: I'd like you to sit down so we can talk.

IH: Oh, I know, but I just want to stand.

L: Fine. I'll stand.

IH: No, it's okay. You can sit down.

L: I really don't like the power struggle, so, if you're going to make an old lady with a bad back stand up, then I'll stand.

IH: Okay, I'll sit down.

L: Okay. Here's what we are going to offer.

Idiot Husband's Idiot Father: Excuse me. Can you explain--

L: I'm sorry. I'm trying to talk to this young man. I'm not talking to you.

IHIF: Well, I just want to know--

L: No. You are not his lawyer. I don't need to explain anything to you.

IHIF: Well, I'm helping--

L: No. He is representing himself. Please leave.

IHIF: I'm just standing here.

L: Sir, if you don't leave then I'm going to file a statement with the court that you are in contempt.

IHIF: Well, can't I stand here? Is this not a public place?

L: I'm not doing this.

So I followed her back into the courtroom where she filed a statement that said we were unable to reach an agreement because the family was trying to intervene. At the end of the day, the judgement was in my favor. However, before 24 hours had passed, an appeal was filed with the court. I would have to go back.

A Hard Day

Getting divorced is expensive. It wouldn't be nearly as expensive if I had decided to go through the whole process without a lawyer. Because I'm young and was only married for a short time, it SHOULD be easy for me to get all the paperwork done by myself or possibly with the help of a paralegal. However, the causes of my divorce were a little extreme and the things my husband's family did to me while he was at boot camp were insane. Therefore, I do NOT want to deal with all the legal issues without someone who knows what they're doing.

Today I got a call from my lawyer's office. I was actually happy, because I had been trying to get a hold of someone there earlier in the day. I thought she was calling me back. I should have known better. She never calls me back. It was someone else telling me that I needed to give the lawyer a lot more money that I don't have.

So, of course, I started freaking out. I got off the phone with her and started crying. The really awesome part is that this all happened about three minutes before my class was supposed to start. The even more awesome part is that I feel really stupid when it comes to that class, so I couldn't really afford to skip it. The awesomest part was that, after I had composed myself a bit, I went into the classroom and the teacher decided to be friendly and ask how I was doing. When I realized he was talking to me, I looked up and tried to force a smile. When that didn't work, he asked me if I had had a hard day. I nodded and sat down with tears in my eyes. Like I said, awesome.

Questions Answered

He found me again. My husband. On Twitter. I don't really use Twitter. The only people that follow me are my sisters and a friend who only found me on Twitter through my sisters. I follow a bunch of comedians and read their tweets when I'm bored or trying to avoid doing something else.

Anyway, he found me. I decided to talk to him because I found out that this divorce can finally be behind us if I get him to sign some papers. He, of course, wanted to talk face to face. So I set the rules. We could talk on the front lawn of my mom's house. Several people would be inside and could see everything from the windows. He wasn't happy about the conditions, but he came. We talked as the familiar scent of his cologne took me back to a happier time.

He told me he loves me. He told me he can't stop thinking about me. He said that he finally understands what he did to me and that he wishes he could make it up to me. Tears came to his eyes when he said that the bed we used to share stays empty at night because it reminds him of me. When it was time for him to go he stalled several times, saying that he just wanted to be near me. He wished we could spend time together, see a movie or something.

I know many people don't understand what goes through a woman's mind when the man she used to love finally admits that he messed up. When he finally realizes that she's worth more than he could ever give. I don't know if he actually meant a word he said, but the words were there. The acting was superb. Questions came to my mind. Has he really changed? Is it really too late? Did I make a mistake?

Despite the questions, I stood firm. I told him that what he was giving me was too little, too late. I let him stall, but I made him leave. I'm not sure why, but I gave him a hug before he left. Maybe it was because I wanted to show him that I'm bigger than all the bickering that goes on in divorces. Maybe it was because I wasn't sure what an appropriate goodbye would be in that situation. Or maybe it was because I wanted to feel that closeness one last time.

Whatever the reason, I got a lot more out of it than I expected. The hug he gave me was short and loose, like the hug you give your great aunt that you're meeting for the first time at a family reunion. Maybe what he said is true. Maybe he misses me. But it seems that, if he does, it's only because he hasn't filled that empty space in the bed with someone else yet.

My Safety Net

I haven't posted for a while. There are several reasons for that. I thought about writing some of them, but I think I'll go a different route.

I've been pretty vague on here as to WHY I am getting divorced. There's a reason for that, too. When everything got started, my husband's dad told me not to tell anyone what was going on. He didn't say anything about a consequence if I did tell, but I still felt kind of threatened. That guy gets an inhuman quality about him when he's angry, and it's sincerely frightening.

Well, they've made up an incomprehensible lie about the goings on, so I guess they're prepared to combat my side of the story, which I will only partially tell in a public forum (unless I somehow get amazingly famous and write a tell-all book or have a movie made about me with Jennifer Aniston playing the leading role). So, as I reveal some information, feel free to skip the next paragraph if you think it might be too much for you. I will spare you almost all the details, but it's still pretty crazy.

The truth is that my husband was very abusive in just about every way you can think of, and in some ways you probably can't. Even I didn't realize how abusive he was until I had hindsight. He made my life completely miserable, and I reached my lowest ever point of depression. However, he had some kind of weird control over me, and he knew it. He knew that, even though I would try to talk to him about problems I felt we had in our marriage, I wasn't going anywhere. Then something happened. Right after he left for boot camp, I found out that the "happily married" facade the two of us put on was a cover for him to go do very non-Mormon things with other women. After having a text conversation and finding several emails from an account I hadn't known existed, I started to connect some other dots as well. The fact that I found all this when he was away from home is the only thing that made it possible for me to leave.

My husband has told his family, and they apparently believe, that I made everything up. I fabricated the emails and was apparently texting myself. I'm flattered that they think I'm intelligent enough to think up such an elaborate plan, but, if I had, I would have waited until he got back from boot camp so I could use the extra $3000 a month that he was making while he was too busy to spend it.

Unfortunately, cases like mine have given people like my attorney a bad impression of our religion. She said to me, "I'm sorry, but I just don't like the way Mormons treat women. I've had too many cases like yours."

I looked right at her and said, "This isn't the way Mormons treat women. Not good Mormons."

We only talked briefly about how the Church teaches that women should be treated, but it really made me sad to think that the only exposure she had to the Church was through the improper treatment of women.

Blaming the Church for my situation would be super easy. It would be easy to put all the blame on my husband or his father, who has had a huge influence on my husband and seems to think this is his fight, too.

The truth is that I'm partially to blame, and the Church did nothing wrong. I made the decision to get married when I knew that my husband and I would have to work really hard to be happy, and that my husband didn't plan on doing much work at all. The Church was never the problem, but it was my safety net when I had nowhere to go. I've had immense help from bishops and the few people that I actually talk to at church. I've started feeling the Spirit again since I left the toxic situation I was in, and I can feel the love and hope that Heavenly Father has for me.

I play a lot of roles; daughter, sister, student, Primary teacher, friend, and, legally, wife. Sometimes I need to forget all the titles and responsibility and focus on my Heavenly Father. He will guide me through this storm and the storms to come. I belong to His church, and I will not leave it because I chose to marry someone who did not follow its teachings.

Spiritual Healing

While I was with my husband, I was being directly and indirectly pushed away from the church. As I have many weaknesses and have never been as strong in the church as I should have been, it wasn't always hard to get me to miss church or let my scriptures collect dust. While there were some things that I tried to hold on to, even many of those started being left behind.

When my marriage blew up in my face, the easy choice was to leave the church. I had already stopped doing so many things that the church would have me do, why not stop everything altogether? I felt like I needed to take a break from life, so I went down to the LA area to see some old friends. They all told me that this was an important part of my life that I am learning from, so, of course, I should get a tattoo to symbolize the changes I was making and to remind me to never go back. I have to admit that despite my belief that my body is a temple to be cared for, I was tempted. Don't worry, mom. No ink here.

The only people in Fresno who I felt comfortable talking to about the things that need to be said were my family and my church leaders. I think Heavenly Father arranged it that way. Because I had such strong spiritual support, I gradually started finding the strength to walk away from the easy choices and to make the hard ones. I started re-building a relationship with the Lord. I feel His love often, and it's a lot better than anything my husband ever gave me. Sometimes I even feel that having a close relationship with my Heavenly Father may be curing my depression.

Making difficult choices, doing what I know is right, is what is giving me the strength to get through the trials that I've been facing. I honestly don't know how anyone survives as long as they do without the Gospel.

Musical Interpretation

I've been re-discovering how therapeutic singing is for me. My husband didn't like my voice, so I had cut down a lot on how much singing I did, first just around him, then ever. So, I'm kind of getting back into it, though I don't do it in front of people as much as I used to. Lyrics mean a lot to me, and I found some songs that kind of reflect my feelings. Yes, almost all of them are by Taylor Swift. You can blame my obsession with her or the fact that she just has a million break up songs.

This one kind of reflects our relationship before the marriage unofficially ended. I don't think there's an official video for this one, but someone apparently put this together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hr5dEGsrhlQ

This is how I felt immediately after the marriage unofficially ended and for a very long time afterward. In fact, I often go back to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1Xr-JFLxik

This is how I feel about his reaction to the divorce and everything else. I don't really understand the video, but the lyrics are what's important.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcGntdbDB5Q

This is what I want when I'm feeling mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA

This is how I feel on good days. Again, no official video.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9098492730255982492#

Restricted

Well, I found out today that my marriage was worse than I thought for much longer than I thought. That was annoying.

Also, my husband has started only using restricted numbers to call me. This is similar to a tactic he often used while we were married when he thought I was doing something that he didn't want me to do. He would block his number and call me, thinking that I would never catch on the the fact that he was the only one who ever called from a blocked number. And, because I would clearly never be able to tell who was calling me, he would expect me to answer and somehow incriminate myself. Who am I supposed to think was calling me from a restricted number at a quarter after midnight last night? Am I meant to assume that Commissioner Gordon is calling to tell me that the Penguin is at it again? He would clearly have to call from a restricted number so that the Riddler wouldn't trace his call.

I don't think so. The only person who thinks I'm that stupid is my husband, the Joker.

Public Meeting

So I did pretty much the stupidest thing I could have done. My husband got back from boot camp yesterday, and I saw him today. It actually didn't turn out as badly as I had anticipated. I only agreed to see him in a public place when I was under time restraints, which meant we wouldn't be able to talk long and there would be less risk of anything bad happening.

I expected to burst into tears when I saw him, but I didn't. Apparently he is supposed to wear his Air Force uniform until he visits his base near San Francisco. That was unfortunate for me, because he looked really hot. I, however, looked atrocious. This was not one of those scenarios where I got all dolled up so I could silently scream, "Wish ya still had THIS, doncha?" It happened kind of spur of the moment, so I saw him in jeans and a t-shirt that didn't match my shoes, pulled back hair with a confused color situation, no make-up, and I hadn't even showered. Absolutely no showing off was being done on my side.

Anyway, what happened when I saw him was...not much. I have to admit it was a little nice to see him at first, but it wasn't what I think I should feel if I hadn't seen my loving husband in six and half months. It wasn't an overwhelming hate, either. Even the nice feeling went away pretty quickly and I just felt...normal. I think I had sub-consciously expected to cry, and did, but only for that reason. Even when he tried to kiss me, the only reason I almost kissed back is because I miss kissing.

What I learned from seeing my husband is that, as much as I wish everything was magically okay, it's not because I want to be with him. It's just because I want to be with someone. I'm lonely, and I don't want to go through the divorce process. I also got a little gratification out of the fact that he was at least acting like he wanted me back. It's nice to feel wanted.

Out with the Ladies

As previously stated, I'm not real close with a whole lot of people. As also stated, I don't have much of a desire to interact with many of the people around me. I realize that this isn't exactly the most positive or healthy way to live, so I occasionally try to fight the urge to stay at home in front of the computer, the TV, or a book. Last night was just one such occasion. Someone decided it would be a great idea for any of the women in the ward who were interested to get together once a month for some sort of activity, usually eating(every woman's favorite pastime), and hang out. Feeling that this might be a good opportunity to at least let people know that I exist without needing to explain why I was the only one around without a significant other, I decided to go.

I really don't know any of the women in the ward, so I made sure to be with my sister when I got there. That way, even if people didn't know who I was, it would still look like I had been invited by someone. When we walked into the restaurant and saw the women in our group who had already arrived, the man in my stomach who screams when I'm hungry put a clamp on all my internal organs. A very large part of me wanted to walk right back out.

At the table, all the women, of course, talked about their husbands and children. I, obviously, remained silent. Unfortunately for everyone, there were a few times when the need to be polite overwhelmed some church-going woman or another who had clearly not been aware of the attempts of others from minutes earlier. The following are some excerpts from the evenings discourse with the inclusion of some things I was too polite to say. I'm using colors to distinguish different speakers because I don't want to use names and don't feel like being creative in descriptions. I'm green. Just 'cause.

"So who are you married to in the ward?"

Are you kidding me? How about asking MY name? I'm the one sitting right next to you.

"No one."

"Oh. Are you in our ward?"

Does it matter?

"Yeah."

"Really?" (look of confusion and disapproval)

I thought only Utah Mormons used a tone two octaves higher than the human range allows.

"Why don't you go to the single's ward?"

Why do you think for a second that it's any of your business, you ignorant cow?

"I'm getting divorced." (Due to the already existing discomfort, I started tearing up.)

"Oh! Well, when your divorce is final, then you can go the singles' ward activities!"

So that I can actually hear what people are so accommodatingly saying out of my earshot? No, thanks.

"I haven't decided if I'm going to go back to the singles' ward or not."

"You're so sweet to join our ward. You could've moved to any ward, but you chose ours. You're so sweet."

Actually, my choices were either my mom's house or a halfway house. My mom lives in your ward boundaries.

"Actually, I couldn't have."

"I'm trying to make you feel good!" (This lady already knew I was getting divorced, and was actually very funny.)

"I'm sorry. I don't want to be rude, but I haven't seen you before."

That's because I have an irrational hate for all of you and your stupid, perfect lives.

"How long have you been in the ward?"

Long enough that you should all be ashamed of your lack of fellowshipping abilities.

"Six months."

"How did you stay under the radar for six months?"

I didn't have to try real hard. The only reason you see me now is because I'm making an actual effort to be seen.

"I'm a hermit."

(uncomfortable laughter)

"So, did you get married and move into the ward?"

Just the opposite, actually. My life sucks, and I hate you for existing right now.

"No."

(confusion)

Again, I hate you.

"I'm getting divorced." (tears again)

"Oh. I'm sorry."

I bet you are. The Vaseline on your teeth just makes it impossible to stop smiling.

"No, it's okay." (more tears)

"It's hard, especially when it's fresh."

Hate hate hate hate hate.

"It's not fresh. It's just being drug out."

So, obviously, it was a successful evening.

In all honesty, I don't hate any of the women who were there, though some made me wonder which of the noble gases might be taking up all the room in their skulls. I completely acknowledge that none of them had negative intentions and that they just didn't know better, but it sure was interesting how they all found the quickest "polite" route to a conversation with anyone but me once I divulged the nature of my situation.

Interesting Timing

The day after my husband left for boot camp was when I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. We had argued too much, he had done too much, and I found something out that day that threw me over the edge. I couldn't take any more lies or abuse. It was time to stand up and be strong.

Two months into his training was when he earned enough privileges to be able to make a new Facebook account. That's how we got in touch again. He had sent a message to me via Facebook. I was weak and unprepared, so I contacted him in return. I didn't want to go through all that divorce entailed, so I listened to all his reasons for not going through with it. He started to sway me, but his inconsistency was what held me to my decision. Although he said that he wanted to stay married, and that boot camp had taught him to be a better man and how to treat me better, his Facebook stated that it was time to move on. He put his marital status as single and said that he was looking for "dating" or "a relationship." While I was wavering on whether or not I would be cancelling the divorce, I told him that he should change the things on his profile if he was going to convince me that he wanted to be with me. He didn't.

It's now been six months since the blow that ultimately destroyed my marriage, and I've been unable to get papers served to my husband while he was at his military training. He comes home within the next couple of weeks, at which time I hope to finally get the process started.

Today I got yet another request from my husband to be his friend on Facebook. Apparently, it was today that he decided to use his Facebook to admit that he is, in fact, married. He apparently is no longer looking for a new relationship or even dating. His current status is a long spiel (with many mechanical errors) about making choices and God wanting His children to be happy.

I've always been very forgiving, often more so than is good for me. Because I've shared so much with him, I want very badly to forgive him. There's only one problem.

He still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Tears and Scars

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Today was Fast Sunday. I ate before I realized this, and then rationalized it because I wasn't feeling well even though I didn't eat enough for it to help me feel much better. I wanted to finish my book before church, so I decided to walk instead of leaving with everyone else. For some reason, I completely spaced out and forgot about the shortcut. My heels gave me multiple blisters. Oh yeah, I'm also on my period. Basically, the day wasn't off to a real good start. I wasn't really in a bad mood or negative, maybe just a bit more sensitive than usual (which is saying something).

At church, I found out some stuff that I won't go much into because it involves someone else's personal life. Basically, it seemed that she was in a situation similar to mine, but possibly worse. Realizing that someone was feeling the same pain I was feeling, and then some, had a profound effect on me. Thinking about my own situation, and the possibilities of hers, made it impossible for me to hold back tears.

This made things pretty interesting when it was time to teach Sunday School to a group of seven and eight year olds. I usually have another adult with me, but she didn't show today. Someone else (who I'm actually a bit more comfortable with) was there to give one-on-one attention to a boy with special needs, but I was pretty much on my own to teach the lesson. I thought I could handle this, but I'm not sure how successful I ended up being.

It really wasn't all that bad until I checked the time. The only watch I have doesn't match all my clothes, so I rarely wear it. Instead, I was using my cell phone to keep track of time. My phone was on silent, but I tried to check the time just as my phone lit up with a call from my husband. Knowing that he will be back in town soon, and not having fully recovered from my recent episode of crying, tears and a suddenly tight throat interrupted my lesson. The children gave me looks of concern and asked what was wrong, but I brushed aside their worries, regained as much composure as I could, and continued the lesson.

Afterward, one girl stayed in the classroom until everyone else had left. She would be getting baptized in the evening. When we were alone, she asked me why I had been crying. I told her that I had just had a hard day, but she asked again. I tried giving the same answer, but this time I was fighting back the tears that would not be held at bay much longer. The girl looked very concerned, worried, maybe scared. She didn't know what to do, and I couldn't say anything more, so she left. I saw that same look on her face again when I appeared at her baptism.

I hope I haven't scarred her in some way.

Going Solo

When I'm on my A-game, I am really good. I can make myself really appear attractive, smart, and funny. I can keep people on the edge of their seats with my wit and charm. It seems like I know all the right things to say and the right times to say them.

I'm very rarely on my A-game. In general, I have a tendency to be very socially awkward. I think of lots of things to say that sound really intelligent right up until the moment after I say them. Sometimes this makes me think I have to backtrack or apologize, which often only succeeds in making me feel like an even bigger idiot. Sometimes I wish I could just erase conversations from existence, because I'll randomly remember them months later and feel like an idiot all over again.

This is one of many reasons that I am becoming a hermit. I will soon have no one but my cat and my nook to keep me company.

Lost

I've been doing it again. Even though I've allowed myself to write some of my feelings, I've been holding myself back from continuing to do so for fear of being too open and too negative. The conclusion I want to come to (but don't know if I ever will) is that I can be whatever works best for me, regardless of the opinions of others. I'm hurting. I have a right to be negative. Maybe there will be some time in the future when I've gotten out all the negativity, but now is apparently not the time.

I've always tried so hard to do what I'm supposed to, to be "good," to do what's "right." I also messed up a lot. I've never been the perfect Mormon, but I've never been the worst, either. I'm not proud of that standing. I do always try to make myself better, but I've always tried to make too many different people happy. Even though I constantly fought with my mom, I always tried to make her proud. Even though my oldest sister and I never get along, I used to make sporadic efforts to connect with her. My past boyfriends, whether Mormon or not, have not exactly been the best spiritual influences on me. Some of them, however, still managed to convince me that they were more righteous than I so I should take them at their word when their preaching seemed a bit off. I have always struggled to satisfy all these people while trying to have a good relationship with Heavenly Father and finding some degree of individuality and self-worth.

Very clear from my current situation, I have never succeeded in having any amount of self-esteem. If I had, then I wouldn't have allowed myself to marry someone who treated me the way my husband did. I finally see that the first person I need to satisfy, aside from Heavenly Father, is myself. I see it, but I don't know if I have the strength to believe and apply it. I honestly don't know who I am, what I like, or what I want out of life. Worst of all, I don't even know how to figure those things out.

Movin' on Up

Well, I did it. I finished college. It took me quite a bit longer than I planned, but it's finally over. For a while, my excitement about this achievement was taken away because of the whole divorce thing. My husband and his family were all excited for me because none of them have bachelor's degrees. It was kind of nice, because my family is more like, "Whatever. That's what you're supposed to do."My in-laws were planning on throwing me a party and giving me some pretty cool gifts. I don't really like their parties or really know any of the people they invite, but I would've gotten stuff and that's always cool.

Despite their excitement for me, however, I think I'm more glad to be rid of them than I am disappointed about the absence of parties and gifts. I'm proud of my achievement, and that's all that really matters. That, and the fact that I don't need to stay up till four in the morning writing an analysis of Frankenstein using sources from literary journals ever again.

Along with a few other happy occurrences, finishing school has really helped me to feel better about myself and more positive about my situation. While I always knew that I would eventually get over this extremely large bump in the road, it really helps to have some good stuff happen to give me a boost.

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"

Oh Jessica, I want to be you when I grow up.

Homeless

So, as superficially horrible as I feel about this, one of the things I miss most about my married life is my house and furniture. I spent most of the nights of my adolescent years sleeping on either a couch or the floor of the two-bedroom apartment in which my family of seven lived. I had always looked forward to the distant time when I would live in a real house with nice furniture.

At the same time, living without the things that all my friends had taught me to be careful with my money. When I was living on my own, with roommates, I did fairly well for myself. I managed my finances without too much trouble, and it seemed like things would work out eventually.

The circumstances in which my husband and I got our house were unusual, and I didn't feel comfortable about it. For a while, I was stupid enough to voice my opinion as if it actually mattered, but I slowly learned my lesson. My husband expected that I would be ecstatic about having things I had never had, no matter what the circumstances, and didn't like that I had other thoughts. I suppose he had good intentions.

Well, I learned to really like that house. I loved the furniture. But, just as this started to be the case, I became aware of the need to end my marriage, and the unusual circumstances meant that I had to walk away from all of it. I may or may not get some of the furniture in the divorce settlement. I'm not sure if I want it, because I have a tendency to attach memories to physical objects.

Now my mom is living in a better situation than she was in my younger days, and she's allowing me to live in her house. I have my own bed, but it's not like the bed I chose for my house. This is one of many reasons that, the next time I marry, it will be for money.

Inner Fat

My little sister and I like to watch Biggest Loser, and that's exactly what we did tonight. It's a really good show. Lots of fat people figure things out and lose a bunch of weight. It often gets emotional, and sometimes the contestants are pretty good looking at the end.

Watching the show tonight, and thinking about things, reminded me of how jealous I sometimes am of obese people. Being fat isn't a good thing, I get that. The reason I'm jealous is very similar to the reason that I used to wish I was injured. I wouldn't want to inflict anything on myself, I just kinda wanted something to happen. I wanted to hurt on the outside, so that people wouldn't be so ignorant about how much I hurt on the inside. Sometimes I find myself wishing I were obese so that I could go on Biggest Loser and have one of the famous heart-to-hearts that people have with Jillian when they look inside themselves and realize why they let themselves get that way.

I've suffered from depression for quite some time, with varying levels of intensity. When I get really depressed, I don't turn to food. I don't turn to drugs or alcohol or sex. My biggest weapon against myself: self-deprecation. I wouldn't exactly say that I hate myself, but there are a lot of things about myself that I hate. That's not really true, either. I really have come a long way since I was first diagnosed with depression, but I had some serious relapses while I was married. I was so miserable, so lost, and had so little control over anything that happened to me that I could literally feel my mind slipping away. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't think clearly, didn't really even have much control over my thoughts. I've never come closer to wanting to make the ultimate irreversible mistake, and I don't plan on ever getting that close again.

I'm much happier with myself and with my situation now that I have control over my life again and have hope for the future, but I still get jealous of fat people sometimes.

Title Role

Since I started this blog, a whole two days ago, I've told a couple of people about it that aren't online very often and probably wouldn't have known about it otherwise. I explained that it seems like a good way to try to get my feelings out. While they mostly give one word responses intermittently in order to assure me that they're still paying attention as I ramble on, and they make a noble effort to mask the "this is a stupid idea" tone in their voice, I always get an interesting response when I reveal what I've decided to title my blog. I guess I didn't quite realize the effect it would have on others, but I have no intention of changing it.

The fact is, I do feel like I'm a taboo. Mormon and divorced? And so young? I'm an embarrassment! Okay, maybe I shouldn't go that far. But sometimes it feels like the truth. I do need to clear something up, though. The rest of the title says that I'm a divorced Mormon woman. This blog is NOT anti-Mormon. I will readily admit that my situation has caused me to really struggle with my faith, but I still align myself with the LDS church and don't plan on doing otherwise any time soon. This just adds to the ways in which I'm an enigma, I guess. Mormons don't understand how I can be divorced, and non-Mormons don't seem to understand how I can still believe in the church after what has happened.

The truth is that there is an exception to every rule. I've always tried to stand out, to be that exception. It seems that there are a few ways in which I don't really have to try. I'm just odd. Unfortunately, being an individual has its consequences. Unique people just don't fit in.

Side Effects

What makes my situation especially hard is that I don't feel like I really have anyone to talk to. I don't really have any friends who are married. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to talk to them too often. I get depressed enough talking to my married sister. Maybe that's dumb, but whatever. I also lost just about all my single Mormon friends when I got married to a guy that half of them didn't like and the other half thought I didn't deserve. I'm not really supposed to talk to single guys too much these days, because I'm still technically married and there's a risk of impropriety. I've also always suffered from what must be a medical condition that makes it close to impossible for me to make friends with females. Once in a while I seem to harness the attention from someone in one of the above categories when I really need someone to listen, but then I'm always worried that they won't talk to me again because I'm too depressing. There is actually one girl who recently reached out and let me know that she is also either divorced or getting divorced (it wasn't really clear). I really do want to be friends with her, but I'm afraid to call her or anything because of my condition.

To make things more interesting, today was stake conference. This means that I got to see lots of people from the singles ward that I used to attend. While I said hello to a select few, seeing was about all the interaction I had. Most of the people who saw me back looked at me like I had the plague for what was definitely not the first time. I'm usually very paranoid about this type of thing, so it's possible that it was all in my head. I don't know, though. Some of them looked like they were trying not to look at me, but couldn't help it. You know, like when you see a car accident or a really ugly person. I don't know if people just don't know what to make of me because I'm Mormon and divorced or if they think it's my fault that I'm getting divorced or what. All I know is that I probably won't be going back to that ward, even after my divorce is finalized.

Another Try

There are a few people who have read my blogs in the past. I've attempted this blogging endeavor a handful of times, only to abandon it within a few weeks. This isn't because I don't have anything to write, or because I'm discouraged because no one is reading it (though I know that only a select few do). No, it's because I feel some sort of obligation to make anything I write uplifting, inspirational, or at least have a reasonably happy ending.

It's difficult for me to meet these requirements for a couple of reasons. First off, I'll soon be receiving my degree in English. English majors don't like happy. It's not believable. It doesn't evoke enough emotion in the reader. I don't even know all the reasons, I just know that we don't like it. The other reason I have trouble writing flowery entries is because sometimes I just don't have anything good to say. Sometimes I just want to complain. I'll sit down to write an entry, and I try to twist how I am feeling into something positive. Then I decide I can't do it and eat some ice cream.

So, as I endure the absolute most difficult trial I may ever face (divorce), I'm trying something new. I've been trying to rediscover myself, and I'm going to use this blog to do it. I'm going to write what I feel, even if it's whiny and immature. I'm also sure that there will be very positive entries, but that's not my goal. I understand that many people believe that matters such as these should be left to one's personal journal, but I find something therapeutic about sending out my feelings to the world (even if I know no one will actually read them). I hope that anyone who does decide to take the time to read this will get something out of it, even it's just that they learn never to do the stupid things I've done.

As I said, I will soon be receiving my degree. This is my graduation gift to myself. I'm allowing myself to let my feelings out and let go of the obligation to be uplifting.