Public Meeting

So I did pretty much the stupidest thing I could have done. My husband got back from boot camp yesterday, and I saw him today. It actually didn't turn out as badly as I had anticipated. I only agreed to see him in a public place when I was under time restraints, which meant we wouldn't be able to talk long and there would be less risk of anything bad happening.

I expected to burst into tears when I saw him, but I didn't. Apparently he is supposed to wear his Air Force uniform until he visits his base near San Francisco. That was unfortunate for me, because he looked really hot. I, however, looked atrocious. This was not one of those scenarios where I got all dolled up so I could silently scream, "Wish ya still had THIS, doncha?" It happened kind of spur of the moment, so I saw him in jeans and a t-shirt that didn't match my shoes, pulled back hair with a confused color situation, no make-up, and I hadn't even showered. Absolutely no showing off was being done on my side.

Anyway, what happened when I saw him was...not much. I have to admit it was a little nice to see him at first, but it wasn't what I think I should feel if I hadn't seen my loving husband in six and half months. It wasn't an overwhelming hate, either. Even the nice feeling went away pretty quickly and I just felt...normal. I think I had sub-consciously expected to cry, and did, but only for that reason. Even when he tried to kiss me, the only reason I almost kissed back is because I miss kissing.

What I learned from seeing my husband is that, as much as I wish everything was magically okay, it's not because I want to be with him. It's just because I want to be with someone. I'm lonely, and I don't want to go through the divorce process. I also got a little gratification out of the fact that he was at least acting like he wanted me back. It's nice to feel wanted.