Anyway, he found me. I decided to talk to him because I found out that this divorce can finally be behind us if I get him to sign some papers. He, of course, wanted to talk face to face. So I set the rules. We could talk on the front lawn of my mom's house. Several people would be inside and could see everything from the windows. He wasn't happy about the conditions, but he came. We talked as the familiar scent of his cologne took me back to a happier time.
He told me he loves me. He told me he can't stop thinking about me. He said that he finally understands what he did to me and that he wishes he could make it up to me. Tears came to his eyes when he said that the bed we used to share stays empty at night because it reminds him of me. When it was time for him to go he stalled several times, saying that he just wanted to be near me. He wished we could spend time together, see a movie or something.
I know many people don't understand what goes through a woman's mind when the man she used to love finally admits that he messed up. When he finally realizes that she's worth more than he could ever give. I don't know if he actually meant a word he said, but the words were there. The acting was superb. Questions came to my mind. Has he really changed? Is it really too late? Did I make a mistake?
Despite the questions, I stood firm. I told him that what he was giving me was too little, too late. I let him stall, but I made him leave. I'm not sure why, but I gave him a hug before he left. Maybe it was because I wanted to show him that I'm bigger than all the bickering that goes on in divorces. Maybe it was because I wasn't sure what an appropriate goodbye would be in that situation. Or maybe it was because I wanted to feel that closeness one last time.
Whatever the reason, I got a lot more out of it than I expected. The hug he gave me was short and loose, like the hug you give your great aunt that you're meeting for the first time at a family reunion. Maybe what he said is true. Maybe he misses me. But it seems that, if he does, it's only because he hasn't filled that empty space in the bed with someone else yet.
Ouch! ...I missed reading this post the other day. When your ex does that it's totally confusing,and I think that maybe their confused as well. My ex did it 5-6 times, meaning he missed me, we got back together, then he did it again, we broke up, he missed me, we got back together, and on the cycle went. Even now he tries even though he's been with another girl for a year. It was so hard for me to finally say, 'it's over'. I think being married 'for time and all eternity' I kept hoping my faith would bring a miracle. My miracle was divorce. I learnt the hard way that words and actions really need to match, so if he didn't hug you properly then your probably right- he misses having someone, anyone. I think you're really strong to be able to go through the divorce, to see this man that you used to love and possibly still love, and divorce him. Keep being strong and doing what's right for you whatever that may be!
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